Thorki AU - Because Of You

When Thor finds out he runs - doesn't even bother to drive - to the hospital. He is out of breath when he finally stumbles into the lobby, scaring the receptionist. He realises he probably looks like a new patient to her and she is already reaching for the phone. Christ. That was right. This wasn't just the ER. No, this was a mental hospital. Before the woman goes into total panic, Thor raises his hand and assures her he is alright. He takes to the complimentary water before he smoothes his hair back, collecting himself before trying to reticulate any form of words. When he finally does, it is after his seventh cup of water.

"I'm here to see… My, uh. My brother," he is choking on the last few words. They don't seem right to him.

The woman suddenly perks up and brings up a new window on her computer, her long nailed hands tapping away at the keys. They never sounded so loud to Thor. He cringes at her willingness to smile so damn much. How can she in such a place?

"Your name?" She chimes, breaking Thor's train of thought.

He clears his throat, "Thor Odinson." She nods and asks for his brother's name. It comes slower than his own. "…Loki," he finally says, and it's barely audible. The name sounds so foreign to him. He has to count his breaths from getting out of hand again.

Her face lights up and she beams up at Thor in an unreal, fake sort of way. "Second floor, honey," she says, and points him to the doors. "Stand by those and I'll click you through." Click you through. It dawns on Thor that they must keep high security. Christ, what kind of place was Loki in?

Thor waits by the door until it beeps, and he steps through. It smells of cheap food and lingering cigarettes in the hallway. He finds himself upon another door, and peers up to see a small camera staring at him. He turns and sees a small button to his right. Another locked door. He dismisses the thought as he is let through by whom he assumes is the receptionist. The smells he had in his nostrils are deeper now, enough to make him feel sick. He walks by what he assumes is the cafeteria and hears screaming and a glass shattering. He can't help but flinch and pick up his pace.

Next is the elevator, and he reluctantly pushes the two highlighted. It turns orange, and suddenly he is moving up. It feels like an eternity before the doors reopen, and now the smells he had before were greeted by a new one: urine. It's ripe and stale and it hurts Thor's lungs. He steps out and finds another door with a large sign on it in bold letters:

DO NOT LET PATIENTS THROUGH HERE. MAKE SURE THIS DOOR STAYS SHUT
AT ALL TIMES.

There is more beneath it, but that alone was enough to make Thor's worries about his brother fly higher. He slips into the second floor, making sure to obey the sign and shut the door behind him, and he is greeted by another scream and then a chorus of sobs. He shivers at it and proceeds to the front desk. There is a man scribbling something down on a sheet of paper, and Thor has to clear his throat for the man to notice he is there. He turns without any real display of care and stares at Thor over his small glasses.

"Sign in please," is all he says, and shoves a clipboard towards Thor. He takes it, but all he can do is stare. Below were names of various families and whoever they were visiting here. He starts to write his own name, but it is messy. He is nervous. He doesn't know how he will find his brother. It is even harder to write his brother's name, and when he is finished he has to say he doesn't know what room his brother is in. The man spins around again, rolling his eyes, and reads his name from the paper. A sniff. "Turn to the left and it'll be the second door on the right," is all he says.

Thor quietly thanks the man and starts down the hallway, taking note of the disgusting shade of green the walls are. He silently counts to two on his left, and he finds himself not able to grab the handle of the door. He can see the smudges of past fingerprints, and he wonder's if any are Loki's. If anything else, his concern for his brother took over his fear of him, and he turns the door handle quickly, acting like if he kept it on any longer he would burn. With his back turned to the room, he clicked the door shut again and suddenly realised where he was. Thor freezes, unable to turn. It is the voice that makes him.

"Brother," it is quiet and low, and if it was glass it would be fragile - or already broken. Thor turns to see Loki sitting on a bed, a tight v-neck shirt clenching to his frail torso and loose sweatpants hanging off his boney hips. There are evident dark rings under his eyes and he is shaking. Thor pretends to ignore the hospital band around his wrist.

"Loki," he finally gushes, and rushes over to his brother. Loki pulls away, turning his head and folding his arms tightly to his chest. His shivering is worse now, and Thor is pretty sure he isn't cold. Still, he is afraid to touch him, afraid he might disappear under his careful hand. He notices that he hasn't washed his hair and maybe a week, and before touching anything else he runs his fingers through his hair, untangling the small knots that have developed. Loki jumps and tenses underneath his brother's touch.

"Why are you here?" He whispers, not relaxing yet. He is still shivering.

"I should ask you the same thing, brother," Thor says back, letting his hands fall back. Loki turns now, his eyes heavy. His face is blank, but Loki was never one to show emotion. Still, Thor could see it in his eyes. They were telling him he was in agony. He was hurt. Loki puts out his arms reluctantly, and Thor has to contain a small gag from what he sees below him.

Cuts. No, scars. No… Gashes. They are all down both Loki's arms, and they are deep. Thor can see they are all fairly new, and he pushes away how they got there. He is frozen where his eyes rest, unable to meet with logic that Loki did this to himself. It was never like him. But was it? It had been months since he had seen him, and perhaps he didn't know who Loki was anymore. He wants to touch them. Run his fingers down them. Kiss them, even. But he does nothing.

"Why?" He finally asks, his voice broken and hoarse.

Loki pulls his arms back and wraps them tightly to his chest again. "You wouldn't understand," he says, and it angers Thor.

He wants to scream. Flip the bed they are both sitting on. Instead he is counting his breaths again, and now he finds himself shaking. He yearns for a glass of water, or maybe seven. He was not prepared for this. "Try me."

But Loki says nothing. He turns his head and shivers, alone and scarred at the edge of the bed. Thor just watches him for the time being, trying to study this new brother of his. Something has happened in those months. Something has damaged Loki and dammit he wants to know what it is. He wants to start asking the questions, he wants to look closer at the cuts, but he knows this will only anger Loki. He never was one for personal issues, and now Thor wonders why he even came.

"How did you even know I was here?" Loki says, breaking Thor's thoughts.

"Sif told me," he replies, and watches Loki scoff under his breath and curl into himself tighter.

The silence falls again and it kills Thor. There is nothing he can say to bring his brother back into the light, to make him confide in him again. Whatever has happened, it has closed Loki off. For now. Thor stands, sighs, and leaves Loki shivering on the edge of his bed, clicking the door softly behind him. He will be back tomorrow. He will.

-

That night Thor can only dream of Loki. All he can see is the knife being sliced into his arm, fresh blood crawling its way to the surface of his frail arms. They are shaking, but there is a certain glow in his eyes as if he wants it. Thor is behind glass - Loki can see nor hear him. All he can do is scream for Loki to stop, but he doesn't, and the cuts just get deeper. One goes almost to the bone and Loki drops the knife, cursing under his breath, and reaching for a bottle of isopropyl alcohol, pouring it over his arms. That has to hurt is all Thor can think, and he can hear himself crying in this glass he's stuck behind. It's all over when Loki grabs a pill bottle and pours it - not just take a few pills, but pour - into his mouth. It's all over when Thor wakes up and Loki is not beside him.

He makes no excuses to not be at the hospital after he is dressed. He takes no time dashing through the door and the halls, he doesn't want to remind himself where he is. When he gets to the second floor he can hear the receptionist telling him to sign in, but he doesn't have time. He is afraid to find Loki gone… Just gone. He swings the door open and almost expects for him to not be there, but instead a fragile face glances at him, scorns, and then turns away again.

"Loki," Thor says, out of breath.

"They shouldn't have let you in," he replies, his words chosen carefully. He begins to shake again.

Thor takes it upon himself to sit down, and without asking, he takes Loki's arms into his hands as carefully as he can, though he knows being graceful was never high on his skills list. And in fact, Loki jumps at the force of it, and is quick to shake farther. He hisses when Thor pulls up the sleeves of his shirt to look. He feels like screaming again, but this time he takes it upon himself to really touch one. His fingers pull back at first, but then they glide over. They don't feel real to Thor, but it hurts him to know they are.

"They told me to cover them," Loki whispers, trying to wriggle out of Thor's grip. He was never good at it, and he eventually gives up. Giving up. That's all Loki was ever good at.

"Why," Thor says, hushed down. He knows Loki will not answer him, and he doesn't. Outside the door he can hear screaming and a message over the intercom of a code 6. He doesn't know what it means, but it can't be good. Loki's trembling gets worse when they call it, and Thor wonders what horrors are happening to him in here.

"They shouldn't have let you in," Loki repeats, his voice trying to find its ground, but it fails him and shakes anyway. He curses himself silently.

"I need to understand," Thor says, the earnesty pouring out from his words. "Please, brother. What has happened?"

Loki shifts in his seat and replies, "Nothing." And perhaps that is the issue. Nothing has happened and that's what hurts. He was forgotten again, underneath Thor and his success. Under his friends and his glorious life while Loki was left to chase a shadow. Eventually he gave up on chasing and finally sat down. He just sat down and was never to get back up. He says nothing about it to Thor.

His response and falling to silence angers Thor, but that is a lie. It is more of a frustration. He was never able to understand Loki, to deduce what he was thinking or what he was always meaning to say. He can see it in his eyes again that he is keeping something from him. Those lonely, broken eyes staring into him. "That's not true," Thor finally says, "Something has happened."

Loki merely shrugs lightly. It wasn't all a lie. It really wasn't. But he wasn't about to say things to Thor. Not now. Not when he was so close to finally being rid of him.

"They shouldn't have let you in," he says instead, once more. Maybe Thor will finally get the message. He doesn't though, and this doesn't really surprise him.

"But I'm here anyways, brother," he gushes out and takes Loki's other arm into his hands, folding the two against each other so he doesn't have to see the scars. "Please."

This is where Loki decides to try and explain. He clears his throat and stares at the floor, trying to choose his words. They aren't coming easily and he is tripping over himself. "You only care about me when I'm on the edge," he says, his voice breaking. He can feel pathetic tears coming and he fights them. "You only come when I'm already down." He is speaking metaphorically, and Thor was never good at understanding him. But now he is trying. He is trying so damn hard but he doesn't want to understand what he thinks he hears. "There's never a catch," Loki goes on, still fighting back the tears, "I am only noticed when everything has already happened. People already have moved on. That's when they notice I'm not there." He keeps his eyes on the floor.

Thor thinks he understands now. "You don't think I care for you?" He deduces, and Loki take a few minutes to finally nod. "Brother," Thor spits out pathetically, and takes all of Loki into his arms. He hears a small hiss and feels a struggle but doesn't move.

"These cuts," Loki says, his voice muffled by Thor's chest, "They were… For you. Because of you," he finally says, and he can feel his pathetic tears coming. "I tried to leave this world," he continues, "But mother found me. She found me and took me here. She asked for you not to know. She asked you to not come." Thor can feel what is coming next, and he braces for the words. "I am here… Here in this pathetic state… Because of you."

The dream comes back. Being stuck in the glass. Watching Loki fall. Waking up without him. The words, because of you, they hurt. But he doesn't let go. No, this is him catching Loki. This is him trying. "No…" Thor whispers. "No, Loki." He's not sure what he is saying no to.

"Please leave," Loki whispers.

"No." He knows what it's for now, and he doesn't budge. He still grips on to Loki tight, like if he let go he'd suddenly disappear. What scares him is, he actually might.

Loki wriggles underneath him, but can feel himself giving in. The smell of stale urine is penetrating his nose, so he delves deeper into his brother's chest, wrapping his scarred arms around him. He doesn't want to let go. He doesn't want to fall again. "Why," he finally sobs into Thor's chest, "Why don't you ever tell me you care." It doesn't even sound like a question, but he forces it out anyways.

Thor watches his words carefully. He tries to think of something to magically say that would make Loki finally better. "I don't know," he finally whispers, and he lets Loki cry into his chest until he falls asleep, most likely from exhaustion. Thor drags him up and he leans against the off-white walls while Loki's chest slowly falls and rises.  He doesn't know how long it's been, but suddenly a nurse knocks lightly on the door and creaks it open. She is startled by Thor sitting there, and more so by Loki being so calm, still sleeping lightly on Thor's chest. She clears her throat.

"I'm sorry sir, but it's time for his medication," she says, and the word medication pierces his ears. He even pulls back his face in disgust, but then remembers the scars on Loki's arms.

"Do I have to leave?" He asks quietly, brushing a piece of Loki's hair off his face. He looks so peaceful, not like there is a storm raging in there at all. The nurse nods. With a heaving sigh, Thor stands carefully and sets Loki on the bed. There is a groan of displease from the latter, but it ceases when Loki's head meets the pillow. Thor is still staring when he makes a request, "Please let him sleep a little longer." He turns to the nurse now. "He needs it."

The nurse nods again and Thor thanks her, taking his leave. It isn't until two hours later that Loki finally wakes up, and is frantic when he can't find Thor. He rushes out into the hall where the nurse is waiting for him to take his medication, and when he asks where is brother went she said home. Loki takes his meds and lumbers back to his room where he sits down and cries again. He doesn't even remember when he passed out again.

-

Loki is awakened by a nurse technician the next morning. He aches from last night's cry, and he finds himself wanting to be wrapped in Thor's embrace. He takes longer than usual to get up, sitting on the edge of his bed for a few extra minutes, thinking about a little bit of everything. He only moves when there is a second knock on his door. The nurses take no time in prodding and prying him, taking care of some of the deeper cuts on his arms, and covering up the rest with gauze. He just sits, numb, letting them assault him with their care. But he doesn't want it. He just finds himself wanting Thor, and the thought frustrates him into a snarl.

-

He tries to cut himself that night. Thor digs around in the drawer looking for scissors (that's what they use, right?) and when he finally gets the courage to make a slice, it's not even deep but dammit it hurts. The scissors fly from his hands and clatter onto the ground as he holds his wrist. The blood doesn't take long to surface, and he rushes it under cool water. After the cut is taken care of, Thor sits down and wonders how Loki could have done something like that. Over and over and over and so deep so many times. It makes Thor's heart twist and he grabs his coat to leave for the hospital.

He actually takes the time to sign in and apologise for the previous day, about running past and everything. The receptionist doesn't look like he cares, so Thor just dismisses it and proceeds to Loki's room. He knocks once, and there is no answer. Perhaps he was sleeping. He tries again, and when there is no response, Thor's pulse quickens. He takes it upon himself to swing the door open, bursting through, calling out Loki's name. He doesn't calm until he hears the sound of a shower and a small hum. A shower. Loki was just taking a shower. Thor sits himself down and rubs his face, upset with himself that he got so worried. He decides to wait until Loki is done, and bides his time by peering out the window of his room, or jumping lightly on the bed, but the bed is hard, and doesn't really respond well to jumping. When the bathroom door finally opens, Thor is counting all the phone numbers he can find under the desk, and hits his head when he turns to respond to the gasp behind him.

"T-Thor!" Loki hisses and brings a towel around him. They have seen each other naked plenty of times, but this is different. He turns to make sure the door to his room is closed, and when he's sure it is, he turns back to Thor and is greeted with a grin.

"Brother," he says, the grin not fading. "I was afraid of the worst when I came in and you were not here." He sits down on the bed and pats the space beside him, excepting Loki to take it. When he doesn't, the grin fades slightly.

"Why do they keep letting you in," Loki says out loud, the venom spitting out from his words. Thor can't help but watch as the towel tries its best to stay hung on thin hips, and his gaze drifts up to the long, dark, wet hair that his flipping itself about. Loki finally turns, and Thor is startled slightly. "Get out." Thor, slightly, dazed, just shakes his head. Loki rolls his eyes, but knows trying to argue with Thor never works, so he makes a compromise: "Well then at least cover your eyes while I get dressed."

Thor's expression changes to puzzled. "But why? We've seen each other naked before, brother." He tries to hide the grin that's coming back.

"This is different!" Loki suddenly spits, feeling himself getting hysterical. Christ they should not let him in. Thor grudgingly agrees, and flips himself over so his face is in Loki's pillow. Only slightly satisfied, Loki takes off his towel and digs through his clothes.

There is a small silence between them, and Loki is thankful, but it is soon broken by a muffled whisper from the pillow, "I tried to cut myself earlier, like you did." Loki stops suddenly. He swallows.

"Why?" It comes out shaking.

Thor apparently takes this as a signal to turn over, and he does so, making Loki pull his shirt over clumsily. Thank God he already had his sweatpants on. Thor is twiddling his thumbs and he shrugs. "I wanted to know what you felt." Loki holds back the words to say he would never be able to feel it. "It hurt."

Loki is sitting next to Thor now, and finds himself staring at his now exposed scars. "Of course it did," he mumbles.

"So why did you do it?" The question is blunt. "And don't say I wouldn't understand," it's added quickly.

"Because… Because I wanted to do something. Something that just can't be done," Loki tries to make it vague. Thor won't have it.

"Be specific, brother."

Loki rubs his face and sighs. "I don't think you understand the level of how you won't be able to understand."

Thor sits for a moment, trying to process the sentence. When he finally does, he touches Loki's arm, making sure not to hit any of the cuts. It's hard. "But I want to." He watches Loki's empty eyes. "You… You said it had something to do with me, right? That you… Did… This"--he gestures to the cuts--"Because of me." He chokes on the last words.

Loki just nods slowly, not moving Thor's touch. "Yes," he whispers.

"So what did you want to do to me?" Thor asks, not quite realising the weight of the question. He only sees it when red comes ever so slightly to Loki's cheeks.

"Thor…" He tries his best to growl, but it comes out shakily and messily. "It's not that easy." He finds himself staring at Thor directly now.

"Please, brother. I want to know." The sincerity in Thor's eyes makes Loki do it. It makes him give in.

"Fine," he blurts out, "But close your eyes." The nervousness builds in him when he sees the confusion in his brother's eyes, but he goes along anyways, and when his eyes are shut Loki starts to think it over again. "Are you sure?" He asks quietly, and Thor just nods. There is a sigh from Loki, and then it happens.

There is a familiar feeling against Thor's lips, but an unfamiliar shape. It's warm and soft and more delicate than he is used to, and when he finally realises it's Loki's lips, his eyes flash open in protest. He sees Loki's eyes firmly shut, and a hand is trailing its way up to Thor's cheek. He is waiting for Thor to kiss him back. There is first a sudden no and Thor wants to pull away, to shove Loki down and forget this all happened. But then there is the other feeling. The feeling that his lips are softer than any woman's and that he is more gentle and sincere with his movements. It's after that that Thor gives in and kisses Loki back, parting their lips and closing them again. He brings his hand to comb through the long black hair hanging off Loki's head, and he pulls his brother closer, close enough that he can really smell him.

Loki is the one to finally break the kiss, pulling back slightly, their foreheads still pressed together, and he finds himself staring at Thor's lips. He watches as his heart races, and the lips turn into a small smile. There is still a hand on the back of his head, pawing through his hair in a way only Frigga used to.

"They shouldn't have let you in," Loki finally says, and Thor laughs slightly.

"Loki, listen to me." Thor takes Loki's cheeks into his hands and cups them delicately. "You needn't be ashamed of yourself. Is that little kiss really why you ended up here?"

Loki internally hisses at the childish way Thor forms the last sentence, but he understands what his brother means, so he nods. He is pulled in suddenly and Thor squeezes him tightly. There is first resistance, but then Loki finds himself wrapping his arms around his brother once more. Thor tips them over onto his bed with a small oof and rubs Loki's hair gently. Thor only says comforting words after, and there are a few more kisses between them. Loki finally smiles and soon they are both asleep, tangled in with each other. A nurse finds them a a few hours later.

After Thor leaves, Loki is released two days later.